I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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