He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
