dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
