Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i came on her dog
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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