dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
