how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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