You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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