how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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