just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
