So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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