Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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