he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
