taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
