I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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