idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
