Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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