dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
