i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
