i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
