The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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