Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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