Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
