It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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