called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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