Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
