U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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