My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
