I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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