Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize