Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
