She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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