I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
