You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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