Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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