closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
