my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
