I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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