Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
