My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
