another moral hangover. fuck.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
