Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
