she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
