dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
is this the sara with the beer cane?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
