Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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