I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
