Me too!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
