I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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