I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
