I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
