what if every blade of grass was a penis?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
