I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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