why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
