how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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