im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize