How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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