Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
