So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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