Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
