Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
