I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
