White coat. Heels.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Less talking, more tequila
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
