So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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