I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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