I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
