remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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