My friends, they love my intelligence
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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